Creationist Comedy Jokes

When you have a believe system as silly as creationsism it’s all too easy to make lovely jokes about it.

So here they are..

Simon Jenkins has written a stupid article

Danger Lurks Everywhere

“There are two skies up there overhead. There is one for the rich and another for the rest of us. The jet charter business has just had the week of its life. It assesses risk for itself and spent the Icelandic eruption finding ways round it. From the moment Europe’s transport ministers went collectively mad last Thursday, not a small jet was idle.”

A few hundred private jets can fly around ash clouds on an ad-hoc basis; thousands of commercial airliners can’t.

“No one flew up to test the cloud when the volcano erupted.”

Factually inaccurate: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/wiltshire/8629328.stm

Do your research Simon.

“The 90 jets throughout history that have encountered volcanic ash – surely enough to yield reliable science – had one thing in common. They all reportedly passed through dense ash concentrations and not one crashed.”

Er…but they have caused all four engines in a boeing 747 to cut out in one instance,  so not that great? One percent of 1000’s of aircraft in Europe having all engines fail means hundreds of 747 gliders in the sky.

Other instances of ash causing engine failure.

“Hurricanes and electric storms must have killed thousands of air passengers over the years, but skies are not closed for the risk from them.”

‘Must have’?? Excuse me, is that a properly researched fact Simon? Sounds very thorough.

And in any case, planes avoid electrical storms where possible for obvious reasons, but as storms are localised  whole fleets are not grounded. So your point is Simon?

“Lawyers may be smacking their lips over transport secretary Lord Adonis’s brave admission of overcaution. This could see the first significant class action against “hypersafe” regulation in history – and most significant it would be. The airlines claim to have been punished to the tune of £1.7bn by the government’s mistake, but the secondary cost in lost business, ruined freight, insurance and general mayhem must be as high as that of bailing out a bank – another result of regulatory dysfunction.”

Lawyers would be smacking their lips if planes had crashed through bad advice.

“A decision cannot be validated just because no planes crashed. Such absolutism is now casually used to justify any amount of over-regulation, such as the absurd measures taken against terrorism, swine flu and such menaces to the official peace of mind as from male teachers, swimming pools, scaffolding and stale food. So long as no one dies, ministers are comfortable. Protest the cost and you are damned for “putting a price on human life”, which is what good risk assessors do all the time.”

Oh this really is just gibberish, I can’t be bothered to go through all of it.

When you have a believe system as silly as creationsism it’s all too easy to make lovely jokes about it.

So here they are..

Yey Simon Singh!

Take that, you fecking chiropractic c*nts.

Your ‘cures’ are a disgrace to the scientific method and your actions were disgraceful in their abuse of the already shameful UK libel laws.

Can’t tell you how happy I am for this branch of the alternative medicine industrial complex to have so comprehensively and effectively shot itself in the foot with their stupid, stupid attempt to sue someone’s right to free speech.

Ha, ha, serves you right, you bogus placebo-based practictioners of pseudo-sciencitifc rubbish – which was even labelled an ‘unscientific cult’ by the American Medical Association in the 1980’s.  (Who incidentally boycotted chiropracty until, yes, they were sued by the Chiropractors under Anti-trust laws. What a bunch of c*nts, eh? If the science can’t be proven, just sue everyone into oblivion to protect your income from the gullible.)

Funnily enough, I didn’t even realise Chiropracty was made up rubbish until this case. Then I looked into it and like so many of these things it turns out it was invented in the late 19th century by a proven charlatan with his own personal ‘theory’ of disease.

DD Palmer – the Canadian inventor of Chiropracty in the 1890’s – believed that all disease is rooted in the nervous system, hence manipulation of the spinal column will cure all ills. Patent bollox.

He also promoted Magnetic Healing and was put in jail for 17 days for practising medicine without a license.

He was also apparently killed by his own son who ran him down during a parade, following a bitter dispute about the ownership of the chiropracty business.

Ha fuckin’ ha.

Science write wins bitter libel battle (Times Online)

Science writer wins libel appeal (The Guardian)

Up Yours BCA (Skepticat)

(this is all opinion btw, not fact, before you trying suing me, y’feckers)

Times Crossword for iPhone

1a) Finally, The Times Crossword iPhone  app that I’ve been working on has appeared in the iTunes Store! (4)

2a) Actually we’ve launched first with the Concise Crossword, and the Cryptic above will go live in the next week or so. (6)

3a) But both are a very reasonable £2.99 for 50 crosswords. (1)

1d) The good thing about the Concise crossword is that it’s actually doable by mortal human beings – unlike the bloody Cryptics which I still can’t get my head around. (5-6)

2d) Get it from iTunes by clicking this exciting Universal Resource Locator link

3d) It was #1 in New and Noted yesterday in the iStore, so hopefully that will drive a few sales (4)

4d) If you’ve bought it – let me know what you think of it! (2-3-4-3)

Faceless Techno Bollocks

[Updated with new Episodes! 8th April. Now a mighty 18 minutes long. Gonna have to do something with that awesome new sound I made right at the end…!]

Here’s some old school techno I’ve written for fun:

ATM BMB

An itch I’ve been meaning to scratch for ages. It does kind of just finish, but that’s because I’m going to add more episodes when I have the time.

Cassette Gig, May 8th @ The Luminaire

Yo, we have a gig coming up at the rather nice London venue The Luminaire.

It’s a fiver in advance or with the flyer above (tell ’em Cassette sent ya).

If you definitely don’t want to miss out, send your fiver to info@cassette-electrik.net via PayPal and we’ll send you a flyer by return with a lovely red [PAID] stamp on it.

p.s. It’s Oli’s birthday the day before so you are permitted to buy him an alcoholic beverage – after the gig! (We’re on first at 8ish I guess – will confirm nearer the time)